On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I smell stomach acid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
