That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
