I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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