I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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