I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
