I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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