absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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