I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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