i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
