i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
