Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
