You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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