Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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