My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
