At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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