Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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