$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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