I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sorry about my life...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize