Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
