please come you make the beer taste better
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
