Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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