Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
