just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
