i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
