I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
