Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
