His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
