would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
