i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
