Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think i got beer on your cat.
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