Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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