I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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