I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
