...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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