She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize