i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I understand Curling. That high.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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