You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
