she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
