I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
