So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
