i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
