i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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