his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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