...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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