Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
