we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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