If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
