I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
