I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
