Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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