Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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