genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
