1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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