This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
