I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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