So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
