I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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