Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
