Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
