you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
