I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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