I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
