my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
